Settle down around me as I spin you a strange yarn. About an apartment painter who decided to tell me the strangest shit... Ever. And I promise you all, this shit is real.

To me, he was some weird painter. Nice fella... Dressed pretty well...to be painting in. Generally overly nice. So, I was kind to him during his visits of painting my apartment... then I noticed some odd things. I had to quit my day just to let him in the house on weekeneds. He'd say, "Oh. I'll be there at 8am! Will you be up at 8?" I don't sleep... Of course.

Eight AM comes, where the fuck is he?

Nine AM comes, I've called my cousin to come visit for our usual amount of video games.

Ten AM comes, my friend is screeching over his headset because he and another are getting their asses handed to them in CoD... However, my cousin looks out the window and notices that a van has been sitting outside my apartment for half an hour.

Confused, I get up to be nosy and peek out the window. There's the painter... Sitting in his car with his aviators on... sipping his big gulp with the windows up.

"What are you doing? Are you smoking? You could at least let me know you're here..."

Another hour goes by.... Then another... And finally another of him just sitting there... In his van... Doing nothing.

Finally, once he left his car, he decided to alert me of being here. I had to let him in. I couldn't just close the door in his face... That would be rude... and he is painting my apartment because my mom and my landlord said he had to.

An hour passes before he slips back downstairs. My cousin and his friend silently watched him leave out of the house and sit on the porch... Just sitting outside... As if he owned the place. Staring out at the clouds without a care in the world.

But then... my cousin stared back at me with the strangest look I had ever gotten from him.

"That guy... has some problems... I-is he stupid?"

"...No? Maybe he's waiting for the other painters?"

...


Wait...
What am I doing?
I'm telling you a story?
Fuck this shit.
Let's tell you the overly creepy part.

I was sitting in my sewing room when it happened.
The Painter Guy was letting me know that he was finally finished, but he was adding in small talk.
Bro...? I don't wanna talk... I just wanna finish shitty cosplay. I have two days... GO AWAAAAAAAAAYYYYY.
But he kept talking.

"Something something something Jesus something something something... My sixteen year old son is going to jail.... Something something something... I ended up staying at some girl's place last night."

Wait what?
Now you've caught my attention... I don't know why... But... What?

"So... I left church with a girl last night. She offered a bed to me. I turned her down the first time, but she kept going and going."

Oookaaayyy?

"So, I said, fine... Sure. Arriving at her house, she kept up with the small talk, mentioning on how she used to be a stripper but found God. I was so proud of her. God brought her up to the light and gave her to salvation."

Allllllll riiiiiggghhhhhhtttt???

"But, I remember... I sat there on the edge of her bed..."



"I was ready for her to give me something... And then she walked in gracefully... Like an angel in a silky black robe."



"And that's when she dropped the robe to the floor. Beautiful in her lingerie..."

THE FUCK!? THEFUCKTHEFUCKTHEFUCKTHEFUCKTHEFUCKTHEFUCKTHEFUCKTHEFUCKTHEFUCK!?

"Slowly... She sat down beside me, reached under her bed and pulled out a little box, opened it up... And dropped the bible on my lap."

-almost sews hand- Holyfuckingshitdamnitsdklfhsdfkdjf;lds What!?
Dude...
Were you just cockblocked by the bible?
No... Seriously?

If only you guys could see the facial reactions going on here....

"She curled up beside me and placed her head on my lap and asked me to read it to her. And that I did. Once she was asleep, I petted her hair and watched her breathe there for a moment. It was beauty. I loved it."

Wait... What words could express how I felt then?
NONE.
Fuck this shit.
I'm done.
I'm fucking done.
I can't handle the level of bull shit that you're giving me.

This was just a few months ago while my internet was out... but he's back...
SON OF A BITCH, HE'S BACK!
He's painting the apartment beside me.

I am done.
I'm gonna hide under my desk until he leaves. If you need me... I'll be in my fort.

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